It Started at Love

The truth about my alcohol-free journey is that it’s not new. This has been coming for a long time.

Maybe it started back in March when I decided to take the month of April off from drinking.

Maybe it started back last fall when I took 2-weeks off.

Maybe it started back in 2019 when Rob and I took 70 days off from drinking leading up to his Ironman race.

Maybe it started back in lock-down when weekends and weekdays all ran together and we were all staring at the clock at home waiting for it to strike 5 o’clock, the worldwide acceptable hour to drink. But let’s, be honest, it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere right, especially during a world-wide pandemic.

Or maybe it started right before the pandemic when I was so depressed and burned-out from my business that I nearly accidently killed myself by falling asleep in my car, in my garage, with the door shut and the car running. Wine at the end of the day was my escape.

Maybe it was the literally hundreds (likely thousands) of nights I’d wake at 2 am sweating, heart racing, mouth as dry as my soul. Every damn time, the same record playing in my head of shame, defeat, regret, and a promise to myself to not drink that day which usually lasted until 5 o’clock, whenever that was.

It could have been any of these moments.

But what I’m really beginning to realize is that it was likely…

When, instead of allowing that voice in my head shame me and berate me, I turned toward her and asked her what the hell she wanted. Why can she not leave me alone? What is she afraid of? Why does she care?

Instead of trying to ignore that voice I gave her space to express herself.

Usually, I did this with paper and pen. I wrote to her, and I allowed her to write back freely.

I also did this through meditation. I even once literally asked her name. And I don’t even know why I did that. Why would her name be any different than mine, but surprisingly it was different. She answered.

I probably started when I was doing a book club with the ladies at the gym I owned, and we were learning about listening to our bodies. I really started to make a connection with my body as my home, as a protector, as a source of miraculous creation and a friend that has and will travel this entire life with me.

Or during the 2 months that Rob was in Florida, and I was in Tennessee alone selling that business, packing our belongings (belongings: an interesting word for our stuff), and getting ready to walking away from the life I had spent over a decade building. Every. Single. Night. Every night for 2-months I listened to the same Yoga Nidra by Srimati (Julie Piatt). I fell asleep meditating to her voice connecting myself with my body that during the day I had to leave to survive. Each meditation brought me back to my home. Every night. It saved me during one of the hardest times of my life.

Maybe it was the inner work I did over the last two years while I tried to heal, physically and mentally after not only all the change just mentioned but also menopause…a whole different topic.

I guess I’m getting at this:

Where I am now did not happen overnight. This has been a long, winding walk toward a destination I couldn’t see…and yet I did. I didn’t have that one moment where I got up and decided alcohol was not for me. It’s been a theme that touches every other aspect of my life.

This has not been an act of giving up. It’s an act of giving to myself.

It’s not about withholding. It’s about holding space for that voice inside me that knows there’s more. She sees further than I can. She is wise. She is self-protecting.

It’s not about punishment. It’s about peace.

Ultimately, it’s about love.

Maybe it all started when I decided to stop punishing myself and to start loving myself.

Maybe…It’s always been about love.

 💙 Jen