After Work Angst
After work was the hardest switch for me. Sure, the weekends are difficult but at least I would be out with friends, and I make sure I had AF options.
When going out, I pull a little something out of my own coaching bag of tricks. I’ve always taught clients to look ahead when eating out. Research the menu earlier that day and decide then what you’ll eat and drink. I even have them go so far as to write it down so when the server hands you the menu (Temptation to look for another choice) you don’t even peek. You read your note to yourself, which has both your choice for dinner and a short encouragement to yourself, and place your order with confidence and pride.
I’ve taken that idea and put it to work during my 100AF. I have even called a brewery or bar ahead of time to ask what AF options they offer so I am prepared with my choice ahead of time.
But weekdays, that been another story. I had grown quite accustomed to wine at the end of the day. Rob and I would polish off bottle nearly every night, while I silently hoped he’d crack open his bourbon or tequila for his last drink so I could have one more glass of the wine for myself.
Just a quick side-note: Even one bottle of cheap wine a day is $300 a month, $3600 a year, and $18,000 over 5-years. This stuff adds up. And that’s not factoring in weekend drinking. We are literally saving thousands!
But that still doesn’t make the habit shift of ending my weekdays with wine any easier.
So, I have had to pay attention. I’ve started listening to what is really going on at the end of the day when I want that glass of wine. I’ve discovered a few things.
1. I am not wanting to get drunk, or even buzzed, or numb or whatever, as much as I need a switch at the end of the day. I work from home, so I don’t have a drive home where I could listen to music or a podcast or my favorite – silence. I love a quiet car after talking to people all day. When I owned my gym, 95% of my rides home were silent, no radio, no phone calls. Sweet silence. Now I close my computer, take a few steps, and start cooking. The switch takes seconds and no scenery change.
2. Confession: I don’t enjoy cooking after a long day at work. Do you? Some people do but I can tell you after coaching women for the last decade, most don’t.
I used to love to cook, and some days I still do but they are few and far between and come and go as they please. I used to love to be the one showing up to the party with the fancy homemade spectacular. Now, I grab something at Publix on my way to the party. I do not care. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I loved cooking then as much as I loved showing up with a dish everyone raved about. It was my ego. It was a competition. Gross.
But now, after a long day at work (which is about 20 feet from my kitchen), the last thing I want to do is cook. In fact, the only chores I have grown to dislike more than cooking is deciding what to cook and cleaning up after cooking. I used to hate going to the grocery store, but I have found listening to a podcast through the grocery really helps with that. Yes, I’ve become one of those people.
Side-note: I know how a lot of this sounds. I sound like a brat. I have money to buy food, and a home to cook said food in, a job, and a husband who helps a hell-of-a-lot more than you’d think while reading this. He does, he helps every night. But here’s the other side…it’s true. Likable or not, assholeish (a word) or not, it’s true. It’s how I feel, and ignoring how I feel, even if it makes me a jerk, is not going to help me look this in the face and find a new habit. Maybe part of that habit will be gratitude and a little less bitching about my ability to make food. I’ve lived through times when hard decisions had to be made at the grocery store - that’s a different type of stress altogether. I’m grateful not to be there anymore.
Side-note about side-notes: I have a lot of them. In truth, it’s called ADHD. My mind is always going in multiple directions. Not drinking is helping with this…some. But you must know I “squirrel” a lot.
What I’m trying to say is the only thing I like about cooking is drinking wine while I cook. Wine not only made me not dislike cooking, wine helped me enjoy cooking. I’d crack open a bottle of wine, and ahhhhhhh. Even before I took a sip. Even before I smelled it. Even before I poured it. My brain and body were so conditioned, even the pop of that cork initiated a release.
I’d drink my wine and chop my veggies and suddenly it didn’t feel like work. After a glass I was a freaking Master Chef and was surely on the fast-track to having my own cooking show on actual television, certain I needed to start my own You-Tube channel to get that ball rolling.
At this point I’ve read a lot of books about quitting alcohol and this end-of-the-day ritual is normal. Transitioning between work and home and needing a switch to flip is a large reason most of us drink at the end of the day.
So, what do you do about it?
Here are a few things I do. There is not one of them that works for me all the time. I must have options to choose from according to the day and my mood.
1. Exercise, or even go for a short 10-minute walk outside. I’m a morning workout person so actually exercising at the end of the day is a no-go for me, but a nice stroll in the sunshine can work wonders.
2. Change my clothes. I grabbed this one from the book The Alter Ego Effect, by Todd Herman. In the book, Todd coached a dad to put a hat on when he arrived at home each day, marking his switch from executive to dad. Once the dad hat was on, no more work, all family. While I switch roles easily at the end of the day, I do find it hard to switch off my mind and get that ahh feeling from something other than wine. I’ve found that sliding into my “comfy pants” helps do the trick. It’s not odd for me to be in the kitchen, cooking dinner at 6 o’clock in my pajamas. Some women like to take off their bras the minute they walk in the door...I’m in my PJ’s.
3. I tried meditation but I just found myself sitting there thinking about wine. Meditation is another thing I need to do in the morning, but it might work for you.
4. Make a new refreshing ritual. It’s surprising how much a soda water with a lime and splash of cranberry, or a La Croix with a squeeze of orange will do the trick…sometimes. I usually put it in one of my wine glasses that a friend gifted me. It feels more fun. The trick here is to find the ritual that works but not use it at other times, keep it special so it starts to help signal that switch.
5. Sitting in the discomfort. Yuck! It’s the worst. But I’ve done this, often in my pajamas, a million times in the last 100-or-so days. When you’re going against the grain (meaning not drinking in a society that is all about drinking), there is a lot of discomfort. This is its own topic for a blog post, but let’s summarize to say – you get really comfortable with being uncomfortable. And that is a superpower! This is the most boring of the tips, but it’s the most important. Sitting with yourself takes guts, which will breed confidence to keep doing it, which will grow more confidence. Bam! Superpower!
6. When all else fails I pour myself an Athletic Brewing IPA. I am so happy that there are finally great options for a delicious non-alcoholic craft beer. When they first hit the scene, you had to order online (which you can still do and get a discount with my brand ambassador link HERE). But now you can also buy just about anywhere. I saw Athletic Brewing in Walmart and Sprouts the this week. A lot of breweries and restaurants are stocking them. And if they don’t offer Athletic Brewing (or your favorite), you’d be surprised how accommodating they are if you ask. We’ve asked several of our regular places and they have been more than happy to order tasty AF beers to keep on hand.
Above: Me and Sister at Beach Island Brewery enjoying an Athletic Brewing IPA. 🍻
My first few weeks of going AF, this was my go-to at the end of the day. But as I got further down the road, I started finding I just didn’t think about it. AF beer was training wheels for my weekday transition. Now, it’s pretty much my weekend thing while hanging with friends.
Side-note: I have not found an NA wine that does this for me. All the brands I’ve tried so far taste like dry grape juice. I’d rather have water, but I’m open for suggestions.
Another side-note: NA Beer and mocktails are a controversial topic. In the “sober community” it’s a no-no for several reasons that I’m not going to get into right now. You’ll notice I don’t use the word sober in any of my language. Again, maybe a post for later because it’s touchy and deserves more words. But this has been a journey for me to better health. I’m giving up drinking because my I finally started giving my inner voice a say in my decisions and my post-menopausal body just started rejecting it in many ways, not because anyone would have looked at me and said, Damn, Jen has a problem. In fact, I probably have more people bummed that I gave up booze than I do glad I quit. I choose to use AF (alcohol free) instead of sober because it feels more authentic to my situation.
I read a post the other day from a guy who is sober and is pissed that everyone going AF for health reasons was “hijacking” the word sober. As I read his post, I could see his points and understood as best I could where he was coming from. But also, couldn’t help but think two things: 1. Just because someone seemingly stops drinking before visibly completely ruining their life doesn’t mean they weren’t in grave danger of losing it to alcohol. No one can judge whether a person is saving their life but themselves and sometimes not even themselves. 2. Isn’t a world with more people sober, AF, or whatever you want to call it a better place for all of us? I get his protest, but I also don’t know what good it did except for him to express his frustration.
Yesterday I had a stressful day at work. I have a lot of new tasks that hit my desk that I’m having to learn under a time crunch, and with little training. Normally, that meant “rewarding” myself with wine after a day like that. But last night, Rob and I went to the gym instead. To be clear, I DID NOT WANT TO GO. I protested. But then I went (mostly because we had signed up). And, despite almost puking several times because I’m so out of shape, I felt much better sliding into bed after a workout and light meal instead of a bottle of wine. And I especially felt better, and prouder, this morning. And very sore…very…sore.
Onward. 💙 Jen