New Possibilities
I had just had a long weekend “off the wagon” after having been AF (alcohol free) for 38 days straight. Monday morning was here, and the effects of the craft beer bender had settled directly into my joints and was wreaking havoc on a specific spot in my leg that has been giving me trouble since 2020.
I’ve known for a long time in my gut that I needed to say goodbye to alcohol but…well, does it really matter all the “buts” that I had? They were plentiful. I live in Florida now for god’s sake, life truly is a party and its 5 o’clock all the time. Also, I just don’t seem to recover well. I never have, but once I tipped my biological clock past menopause I needed until Wednesday to start to feel normal again.
So, none of this is about me getting blackout drunk and ruining my life. Although, after listening to Andrew Huberman on the effects of alcohol in the body, I realize I’ve been (and likely you’ve been) blackout drunk more than I realized, I just didn’t know what that really means. There was no wave of destruction in my wake that was making those around me look at me like I needed help. It was more like it was killing me silently and slowly and stealing joy I knew I could have if I just had the power to quit. And by quit, I mean alcohol, but also the lifestyle in general which again…Florida.
Back in April when I was into about my 3rd week AF, I felt so good it felt like I had found the matrix. I was living on a whole different plane of existence, and it felt amazing. Me and Rob were just walking through the grocery store…the grocery store – where I usually feel nothing but anxiety…and I had this overwhelming feeling of joy to the point that I looked at Rob and randomly blurted out, “I feel so f’ing good!” To be honest at that point I couldn’t even imagine wanting to ever drink again. So many things changed for the better, and quickly, but my mood was through the roof. I was truly happier, just like that!
But one fancy meal out with great wine, led to another day out with margaritas, that led to a full weekend of craft beer, which led to me on my couch with swollen joints and the realization that my body was giving me the finger for ever going back. And I don’t blame her. I also was beginning to believe that this thing going on with me, that I have been to the orthopedist for and physical therapy, was possibly gout. The same thing my grandfather had…and several other older, larger, men I knew who drank a lot.
As I sat there on the couch, disgusted, knowing I needed to set a BIG goal to help myself get further down the road this time I found the words stuck in my mouth. Rob was sitting right next to me, and I couldn’t tell him. Gout. Are you kidding me? Suddenly it all made sense, but I hated the sense it made. I could feel the tears welling up, and I knew the words to Rob would release them. So, I ignored the impulse to tell him, I picked up my book and started to go back to reading. I was reading a book by Deepak Chopra that I had already read a few years ago called, Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul. I opened my book and my eye immediately met with words on the page that I had underlined with a highlighter several years ago…
“The next thing you think, the next action you take, will either create a new possibility for you, or it will repeat the past.”
I sat the book down, looked at Rob and said, I think I have gout. Immediately, the dam broke, the tears came like a river and once they all fell, I realized that Deepak was right, I had opened a new possibility.
Rob and I sat and talked about what needed to happen. I told him that I was committing to 100 days alcohol free. I told him that I needed to say goodbye to alcohol forever, but I needed a shorter goal to start with. However, I needed longer than a month, or 40 days, and 100 days seems like a big enough goal for the moment. Triple digits. Rob committed to go along with me, which makes it so much easier for certain.
As I write this, we are on day 7. I’ve decided that I wanted to make this more public because first it keeps me accountable to myself. And, because I have been talking to a lot of people since this experiment started for me at the end of March and there are a lot of people where I was…am…was.
Pre-pandemic many people had a fairly innocuous drinking regime; a few on the weekends and that was enough. But then 2020 happened and Covid lockdown happened and the lines between weekdays and weekends got blurry. I remember after I had both of my kids. I was still walking around telling myself I was carrying “baby weight” and my kids were both in elementary school. It’s kind of like that. Here we are in 2023 and that habit I had let move in to my ‘house’ in 2020 was still hanging out in my spare bedroom and trashing my house. Something changed back then, and we haven’t course corrected.
It's time to course correct, or at least it is for me.
100AF is me making that correction. I needed a bigger goal, but I wasn’t ready to say forever (although I probably will). I also needed to pull out all the tools, tricks, and tips I have learned and taught over the years and implement them myself, hence the calendar. And I’m sharing all of that here.
So, if you find yourself waking up on Monday, or any day for that matter, with that little knowing on your insides nudging you to take a break from alcohol, please join me. Comment here and let me know, jump on Instagram, and let me know. To know that this may have inspired someone else would be amazing and would inspire me right back. I know taking that first step, making that first admission that we need to change is so hard. But, let me encourage you that there is so much on the other side. I mean, you could have more joy just going to the grocery store! 😂 The next things you think, do, say, and commit to, can open new possibilities. And if you’re not ready yet, hang around, we’ll be here when you are.
💛 Jen
P.S.
I am taking on this challenge purely for health reasons. And while I take the approach that drinking alcohol is a hard habit to break, I am not an authority on addiction. I realize that many in recovery will not subscribe to my approach and that’s okay, the internet is big enough for all of us. I do love my AF options. I am aware that is not part of everyone’s journey. You do you.