Belonging

Belonging has been something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

I’m over 50 days into my 100 days alcohol free, and I’m over 100 days since March 26th. Life is getting easier in many ways. I would say that for the most part I have lost my desire for drinking. There are days that go by, and I don’t even think about it. In the beginning, every afternoon was a challenge to get through the wine-hours, which was usually a gap of time from about 4 o’clock until about 7 o’clock. And now, I don’t want it. Not even when I’m cooking, which was my go-to to make chopping veggies enjoyable.

When I do get the itch for a glass of vino, I’ve grown better at focusing on the next day. If you decide to go this route, at some point you’ll find that there are a lot of tools in your toolbox to help you get over the alcohol habit, but there will be one or two that work specifically well for you. Focusing on the next morning is a gem for me.

I have always been a morning person. Being up when the sun rises is life-giving to me. Where we live now has large windows in our living room that face east. Our apartment is on the third floor so every morning I have an unobstructed view of the sunrise. There is something that sings to my soul to see the sun peak up above the trees each morning reminding me that I have been given another day, another chance. It always prompts a deep breath of gratitude.

The humidity on the window is not helpful but you get the picture. 😉

I especially have loved hangover free mornings. So much so that just thinking about how great I’ll feel getting up the next morning, clear-headed and feeling proud of myself is enough to not only help me not drink, it truly removes the desire. And I’ve made it part of my morning routine to mark off the day before on my 100AF calendar. Each morning feels like such a gift to myself as I pour my coffee, say hello to the sunshine, and mark another day of freedom off on my big 100AF calendar.

A tough-love sidenote: If you’re reading this and thinking that you’re glad you can have your glass of wine each night (or two, let’s be honest) and not have a hangover, you’re wrong. You’ve just been living with this low-level hangover so long you’ve forgot what it feels like to truly be free. Taking off Monday – Thursday won’t get you to where I’m talking about. Only a sustained time off from alcohol will clear your body enough for you to really start to feel like a new person…because you will be if you give your body a chance. If you haven’t taken off for at least 14 days in a while, I suggest you start there.

Here's the part that hasn’t got easier. Belonging. And I think I know why.

I didn’t quit drinking because I needed to “get sober.” Instead of alcohol overtly damaging my life and relationships, it was silently and slowly stealing my joy. I didn’t have a rock bottom; I just grew tired of living below the surface. My life hadn’t become unmanageable, it had become post-menopausal. What I’m trying to say is that waltzing into an AA meeting, declaring I was an alcoholic, and telling a grueling tale of meno-suffering was not my path. But had that been my path it would have solved what has been my biggest issue to date, community.

AA gives the alcoholic a built-in, immediate, community and support in the form of real people. Actual IRL people you can hang out with; people that are where you are. You don’t really notice how alcohol-centric our society is until you take a step outside the center…alone. Luckily, I do have Rob and that’s making all the difference for me.

But what do you do when you don’t fit in with the “sober community” and you no longer fit in with the “drinking community?”

I was listening to a podcast the other day and the host was talking about the difference between fitting in and belonging. It’s interesting that I used the words “fit in” to describe the feeling I have with each of those communities above. Fitting in, means exactly what it sounds like; there is a certain contorting that must happen for you to fit. To fit in means you must shapeshift into something you’re not.

Belonging requires no shapeshifting. Belonging allows you to show up fully you.

I don’t have an answer for any of this yet. I’m still at the beginning of this journey. I’m just putting my thoughts on the page.

But I will say this…

Are you a rebellious type? Do you not like being told what to do? Do rules make you itchy?

When I coach a new client, my first session is about me finding out what personality type I’m working with. I need to know if you’ll respond to facts or feelings. Will you do best with structure, or do we need more flexibility? And my favorite – are you rebellious? If you are, I must be very careful about how we set up your guardrails because if you see them as a threat to your rebellious spirit, you’ll go crashing through those rails before the end of the day. And I know because that’s me.

This post is not one going from one place to another. It’s me working it out on the page. I had no destination. I had no real point when I started out.

So, I’m going to end it with this…

I (you) can look at going AF two ways:

You see going alcohol-free as self-imposed rules. You can tell yourself you “can’t” drink for a period, and make your insides fidget against the grain, constantly pushing back against yourself. You can survive off short-lived willpower and sucking it up. You can exist in the land of NO and eventually rebel. Inevitably you’ll crack under the pressure of your own rules.

Or

You can see this whole experiment as an act of rebellion. What else is more rebellious than not doing what everyone else is doing? I can tell you what it feels like, an act of bravery. You tell yourself the truth; you can drink, you’re choosing not to. You’re not saying no to alcohol, you’re saying YES to YOU! If you’re like me, you’re saying no to depression and yes to more joy. No to the destructive voice in your head and yes to the voice that is guiding and caring for you.

You’re not part of the crowd any longer and that’s okay. You never wanted to fit in anyway. And, despite your rebellious spirit, when the desire to fit in hits you, and it will, you hold out for belonging.

Onward.

💙 Jen