Day 35 - the Second Time

This is my second time this year being here at 35 days AF (alcohol free). Last time I was at 35 days I already knew my days were limited.

On my last day 35, I had promised myself to take off the month of April and I had accomplished that and then some. The following Monday we were having a work dinner and I knew not only would the wine be flowing, but it would be good wine, expensive wine, not my usual ten-dollar bottles I drink at home. I was not going to miss out on that.

That night I must have had about 5 glasses of wine (I think), which led to a massive hangover. Then several days later I traveled. I drank every night of my trip then came home and didn’t drink for a week. Then margaritas on a Sunday. And one thing leads to another and I’m right back where I started, constantly negotiating between alcohol, hangovers, and this ever-present voice in my head that was pleading with me to stop. And the only thing more exhausting than the hangovers themselves is the negotiating.

So here I am at day 35 again. Some things are much easier this time. Some things are more difficult.

What’s easier this time:

·      I’m not negotiating. 100 days means I’m not even half-way there. So, to be honest, that feels great. There are no decisions to be made. Me, myself, and I are all on the same page.

·      I’m not craving alcohol anymore. In fact, I really don’t want it. I love waking up feeling rested and ready to take on my day.

·      Work has been easier; I feel less stressed and able to take on the challenges of learning new things without the overwhelm I was constantly feeling.

·      I got my weekends back. Instead of waking on Saturday and Sunday with less energy and a dull headache, we go for a run or walk by the water, take a bike ride (I’ve even cycled 30 miles). I love getting my paddle board on the water, but hangovers always left my stomach a little queasy so hitting the water was a no-go. Not now.

And this is my favorite…

·      I am proud of myself. I’m finally doing this thing I knew I needed to do and that feels powerful. I’ve stopped ignoring that wise voice in my head that wanted more for us and I’ve let her take the lead. She is smart, and strong, and she has things she wants to do if I just step aside and give her a chance. This feels like giving her that chance.

Here is what is not easier…yet, and I hate to list this because I don’t want to discourage anyone from starting, but it’s true so here goes…

·      The social part is still hard. I expect two things…1) it’s normal for this part to be difficult in an alcohol-centric society 2) this struggle will go away.

I’ve been reading a lot of books. Did you know there is an entire genre for this called QuitLit? I did not, but there is, and I dove in headfirst. Reading about quitting alcohol has helped me to navigate the parts that are typical and to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of those hurdles to navigate being your social life and it’s arguably the hardest part. There are many reasons for this and I’ll post about that later but for now I just want to say, this is what I’m struggling with most. In the beginning not so much. But now, many days in, it’s starting to wear on me.

I don’t want to go back. But I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t enjoy the same things. Sitting on a bar stool has a time limit now. Before I could find a great spot with a view of the water and sit and drink until the sun sets, or longer. Now, I get bored. It literally seems like a waste of life to sit in that one spot and just drink, when I could be doing something more interesting.

This is where the reading has come in handy. I’ve learned from reading the stories of those who have traveled this road before me that going AF is like taking a road trip. You have the location you’re beginning from, usually home; the place you feel comfortable because you know it, aka drinking. And then there is your destination; the place you look forward to arriving. But between the two is a road trip. Sometimes the trip is fun because you come upon something fun and new like a Buc-ee’s, and a whole new world opens before you. But sometimes you find yourself on a back road that seems to go on forever and you never see another car, and you want to question your directions but if you just listen that voice on your GPS every now and again she reminds you that she knows where you’re going. The destination has been sealed if you just stay the course. That’s where I am.

I didn’t start this blog to blow sunshine up anyone’s butt. I started it to be real and for my own therapy. And right now, real is really hard. But I’m trusting the process. I’m writing about it. I’m moving my body. I’m keeping my eye on the prize.

This coming Saturday will be day 40, two days longer than my last streak. Something feels a bit holy about day 40 so I’m starting to think about a way to celebrate because it should be marked in some way.

I also realize after writing this that there is still so much more getting easier than the one thing I’m still struggling with. And that is good. That’s a win.

Writing is part of this process for me, and this is exactly why. So, I would encourage anyone going this road to write. It reveals things that you may never see without getting it out on the page.

Onward. 💙 Jen